WHERE'S THE BEEF?
A small tale I borrowed (but probs shouldn't have) about how we are actually the ones holding ourselves back.
I mentioned last week how I now understand there is equally a yes and a no in me to practice comedy. So why do I favor the no, or believe the no over the yes when they are both in me and both seemingly true?
There is an ancient Native American (according to the internet) proverb which has been butchered to death by white people, I have no doubt. I’ll just apologize now for being “that girl” who butchers it some more. But the message is really poignant and just feels very relevant, so moving along…
The myth goes something like this: in each of us there are two wolves battling; one is darkness and despair, or fear, and one is light and love, and in my instance, belief in myself… or something. There is a young person being told this story from a wise elder, to whom they ask, “Which one wins?” And the wise elder says, “The one you feed.” Boom.
That message slaps.
That’s simply it. There are parts of you that are fear driven and there are parts of you that are love driven. Fear requires skepticism and distrust. Love requires openness and trust. The are opposing in nature, and both necessary at different times. We could really deconstruct this further. You have a left hemisphere in your brain and a right hemisphere who perceive the world in two totally different ways. There’s Yin and there’s Yang. We are, it would seem, an inherently divided species when it comes to perception. So what do we do about this? Well…
You can acknowledge your fear and understand why it’s there. You can even go all the way back to your childhood and dig around in each and every memory and find where it first began being fed. You can find who fed it since it was likely an adult you encountered. You can unpack this further in therapy. You can be very angry. You can quit drinking, write a bunch of blogs about how your parents, the world, the damned Universe, could’ve done better, and stay stuck in a feedback loop of self-searching and blame games until your bones to turn to dust.
You can do all of this, at least your own version of it, and for as long as you wish (need). And you should! If you want to. Self-reflection has its place. But ultimately we cannot change the past. We can only change how we perceive it, and decide we want to take ownership of not only it, but our future. Your past belongs to you, don’t let anyone tell ya otherwise…
One day, you might just have to say, “Where is the grass fed beef I got from the farmers market? I need to feed the wolf that says “YOU CAN AND YOU WILL.” You call its name, Ricky, and you feed it the raw grass fed beef. And it howls a little howl at the sky, licks it mouth and thanks you. And then it runs away into the depths of your mind, and you’re like “What the fuck, I thought you were coming with me forever now.” And then the scary wolf shows up and looks you straight in the eye and growls, “Oh you want to go that mic, huh? Looks scary. I bet those people will hate you. You’re so hateable. YOU CAN’T AND YOU WON’T!” And you’re like, “Damn. You are one nasty ass wolf, even after years of heavy introspection and therapy, you don’t go away. Fine. Stay. But you don’t get any grass feed beef, unless, like, there’s a murderer chasing me and I actually need you. You see because that is truly when I need fear, and need you. So I do need you, you little nasty ass wolf. I honor that you are part of me. But mics are fun! Sharing myself with the world is, dare I say it again? FUN! It’s lighter than I think it is. It’s a way for me to connect deeply with other humans and show the world who the fuck I am despite the oppressive forces (other humans) you’ve been telling me there are.”
Now, I’m not saying there aren’t oppressive forces. There are. There are absolutely oppressive forces that I don’t even know enough about to begin to speak to. But I also know that we, too, are forces of nature. I know this. I know all humans are a force of nature the same way a tornado, or wind, or rain, or love is a force of nature. I can’t control other forces of nature. They are their own. But I can take full ownership of myself as my own force. And I guess what I’m saying is, is we ought to truly nurture the part of ourselves that knows this, and by knows this I mean deep deep within the silence of our depths. It’s not a logic knowing. It’s a being knowing. We must find whatever food or nourishment we prefer, metaphorically and literally, and feed ourselves daily, multiple times.
I’m learning to feed myself. My whole self. I’m integrating all parts of my being. There is no need to destroy the nasty ass wolf, but maybe I will just feed it lettuce or something. Put them on a diet. Pet them on the head. Scratch their belly. I’m taking a step back and learning to howl back at it. To put space between the fear and my actions. I’m learning to communicate with my wolves so they don’t terrorize me. I understand that it is really just me terrorizing myself. I understand that my agency is a muscle I must workout, and it will strengthen with time.
Alright. That’s it for me today. That was kind of weird. Hope you found a nugget of something within it.
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