Hello Fellow Mortals!
Welcome to your bi-weekly newsletter where I redefine the existential crisis one newsletter at a time.
Okay, so I’m just going to dive in here and write about an experience I recently had that I can only recall as - what would be known as - a “god moment” or “enlightenment” or, maybe, “reaching nirvana” — at least briefly!
(It should be known I microdosed a small amount of 🍄 the morning of this event.)
I was on the M train headed into Manhattan when it struck me: How beautiful everything is.
The colors the humans the aliveness of it all. A warm feeling swept over my body as I felt into the space around me. The seat beneath me holding me so kindly, the vibrant hues reading what stop was next, and all of the humans so polite and wearing their masks. Had the world always been so charming? I’d like to think yes — that there is this whole world always waiting to be enjoyed no matter where you are if you just simply dare to enjoy it.
I sat in awe of what would normally be known as quite ordinary, when another realization suddenly occurred to me: how beneath all of this we are just particles buzzing. And not “just” particles - but ancient-cosmic-old-as-time-particles. And how we are all comprised of these - all of us - each and every single thing and being. And what was really separating me from anything else? Nothing really, not deep down. This must be the oneness I’m always hearing about!
And so I began to think of our humanity as just the surface of this whole other world/happening/event; as if you were to push your hand up from under a sheet, there is a deeper happening and a surface happening, and yet it’s the same happening. Each of us are a manifestation of a cosmic order that allowed us — somehow— into being. And I thought how wonderful, I am so grateful to be something ancient and also something experiencing it from the surface. And this isn’t to imply our humanity isn’t real or true or important, but it’s not the whole truth, and we will likely never know the whole truth. And it’s okay to not know the whole truth.
For the first time ever in my life, I truly felt deep within my bones how I belong here — in this coordinate of space I occupy that my parents named Samantha nearly 33 (human) years ago. I understood the pure blissful echo of what it means to be alive briefly, but to belong to something forever simultaneously. And how this is true for everyone else, too.
And then I sobbed sobby tears of joy, because I realized our humanity tricks us into thinking we are anything but the same cosmic happening. And how now that I know this, I must live my life more patiently and aware of other humans, and learn from them and support them, and believe in their power wholeheartedly, because they too occupy a place in space that is rightfully theirs. I realized to be swarmed in meaninglessness or too much meaning is just another illusion. How it’s all an illusion. And the goal isn’t to transcend above my humanity, I am most certainly human, but to embrace it fully as only a half truth of what we also really are - which must be something like what they mean when they say “God”.
For just a moment, I felt completely at peace with the fact that this Universe exists out of itself, and I will likely never know why exactly — and it’s not my job to. The Universe exists so powerfully. So unapologetically. And shouldn’t we damn well do the same - exist so powerfully and unapologetically? As we are and wish to be? That we too are something that exists out of itself. Because of itself, and other things too, which are also, kind of, itself…
So, I guess I’m a guru now…
Kidding. I’m human first and foremost and mustn’t ever forget this. I’ve already stepped down from the slice of heaven I found myself in only to return to petty arguments and mundane feels. The surface of my existence isn’t going anywhere, not until the cosmos swallows me back upon dying. But this experience is with me now, so long as I am conscious, and it’s something I can always reference back to. It’s a state of consciousness I can choose to be in. (And this must mean we all can once we know we can.)
That choice belongs to me now, and it is always there.
Divinity and holiness are not something to strive for, but something that already exists within, the same as our daemons do. But I think we’ve been led to believe that one is better than the other, and I think it’s best we accept them as the same, equally part of us. We are not godly in the sense that we are good and must be good. God isn’t good, god just is — I suppose reality is god (in my human opinion that no doubt falls short in attempting to describe this mystery we live in — call it what you will.)
We are godly in that we exist because we exist. We are divine. We are here - and it’s not that we deserve to be here or need to be here - we just are fucking here. So be here. And maybe try to encourage others to be here, too. Sometimes we all need a reminder that we are here, encompassed in beauty and awe, and rightfully so.
*As a side note I’d like to mention that I understand a lot of human reality is abusive and awful and scary. This experience isn’t denying any of that, in fact, it’s only encouraged me to understand this part of ourselves further, and to commit my life to being authentic and responsible for my being so that I cause less (not but never no) harm. This isn’t a game of perfection, but growth. Evolution. It’s never come easily or without terror. We really do have to choose joy amidst the chaos in the moments we can, and we really do need to own our humanity as not wholly good or bad — but both.
Have a spacey couple weeks — you are held. I love ya’ll :)