Greetings Mortals.
Welcome to your bi weekly newsletter where I redefine the existential crisis one word(s), one newsletter at a time.
This week is going to be a big one, I have some news to share.
I drank.
Sounds normal enough. And it is, except not really for me anymore because a year and some months ago I committed to not drink for one whole year, and I made it to that year (and beyond) without even a tiny sip of alcohol. I planned on not drinking foreseeably, when suddenly, the urge to drink was back. Trump had lost the election, there was love in the air and I wanted to celebrate, and for some reason I felt compelled to do that with with 3 drinks. Little did I know in the moment how those 3 drinks would fling open a door I was working tirelessly to close and lock shut.
I debated sharing this, I certainly donāt have to, but I was so open about my journey with releasing alcohol it felt a little disingenuous not to mention. So I will discuss it today, and then I will move right along with life, because thatās how life goesā¦ if ya havenāt noticed by now.
Todayās Words:
Oops (I did it Again)
used to show recognition of a mistake or minor accident, often as part of an apology.
Perhaps drinking again isnāt so minor, but itās also not so major either. Some would argue relapse is part of recovery. Iām not here to argue that it is. What Iād like to convey is how itās unique for everyone on this planet how they will go about giving up the things that no longer serve them, should they choose to do so, and it will (without fail) be imperfect. Iām not a judge nor a jury in defining what these things are and who needs to give them up. I am only responsible for myself, and if I owe anyone an apology, itās me and me alone.
If Iām being honest though, Iām not really sorry. As I said, the door was suddenly open again which means the door was never really closed shut. And this is good to know. Neural pathways in the brain are not so simple to rewire, and old habits truly do die hard. A year and some months without alcohol led me right back here, to alcohol. Itās funny how that happens. I could be very disappointed and hard on myself āthe way I used to be, but Iām honestly just not going to do that, because in that year away from alcohol I became really great at treating myself as a wondrous human being, in all of my fallible glory. Iām so grateful for that year; it is not erased and it most certainly isnāt undone because I drank again.
"There areĀ yearsĀ thatĀ ask questions, andĀ yearsĀ thatĀ answerĀ them." - Zora Neale Hurston.
We are going to make mistakes. We are going to cause harm. We are going to do and say things that we donāt always mean to say or do. And now that thatās out of the way, we can be kinder to ourselves when such things happen. Life is not indeed about punishing ourselves and others, contrary to what weāve been taught.
āBad people go to jail and have bad lives, good people prosper and have good lives. The way you become good is by punishing the bad out of you. Repent. Walk on your knees. Be ashamed of yourself. You are bad and you must pay.ā
I do not subscribe to this thought. I am not bad. I am human. And the same goes for you. We exist in multitudes. We are far more expansive than any word, be it āgoodā or ābadā. And look, I donāt know what blunders, or silly mishaps, or grave harm has happened to you or was caused by you this week or last, or any before. I donāt know if you, like me, have been working hard eliminating the things that make you feel like shit (and yes, alcohol still makes me feel like utter shit), but for a moment you just wanted to fucking give in, and so you did. I donāt know any of thisā¦ and I still believe you deserve kindness and care and love, and that you are a human being not good or bad, and that you are worthy beyond any error you may have caused or will cause.
The only thing we must do is own it, do our best to understand where and why these things are happening, and move forward with more awareness and care, so as not to do those things very much and/or anymore. Itās okay to forgive ourselves, and everyone else, too. We are all existing, flawed, looking for truth in an unknowable landscape, and itās a lot.
I allowed alcohol in, and it will not be staying long. And yet, it was a little fun, a bit messy, and still interesting to find my way back into these old arms. An illusory embrace, this time I see it for it is: an escape, and not one I wish to afford myself moving forward.
Stay Easy, Friends.