I talked about goals last newsletter which I think, kind of, spirals into this weeks where I want to talk about luck i.e. chaos/randomness/what the fuckness.
I just listened to the neuroscientist Sam Harrisās latest podcast (Final Thoughts on Free Will) where he, once again and with 0 gusto, describes how there is no free will. Itās all luck he says. And Iāve read his work before, and Iāve heard this said before - that itās āall luckā - and Iāve agreed with this before. But, today at the ripe age of 33, Iām actually starting to feel like maybe itās not merely alllll luck. Perhaps 85% luck, sure. But to say anything is all of anything seems so black and white to me. So to say there is 0% free will does too. And weāve only come to find that nothing is so black and white, itās all actually vividly grey and complex. Of course there are probably exceptions to this new rule, maybe some things are just trueā¦ are they though? Because Iāve come to find that the only truth is that the truth will change.
Surely some of this free will debacle is perspective. But then we may wonder, how much of it is perspective? Who knows. Iām not here to say that there is absolutely free will. I donāt believe we are active agents making all of our own choices upon birth. The facts that Sam Harris mentioned do add up. Of course, we didnāt choose our parents, our siblings, where we were born, how wealthy our family was, or how often we moved as a child - (some people believe we did choose these things in some cosmic soul waiting room, but I canāt be too certain of that). And of course, it is these very things that absolutely shape who we are. And if we only are who we are because of how life has shaped us, who is really holding the reins? So we could argue, well, when you choose to do better and live the life you really want to live, isnāt that you choosing to do so? And I suppose that yes it absolutely is! But what inspired the change first? Whoās control was that? Why do some people save themselves from the darkness and some people die in the darkness? And I guess you could sayā¦ thatās luck.
Should the goal then be to let others know they only are who they are because they wound up that way - but actually, once you know this, this very awareness can allow you to shake things up and shift and change things? Isnāt that a little bit of free will? Isnāt the will free-er (or free-ish) when you know how little free will we inherently have? And so we go in circlesā¦
Which leads me to magic, which I believe is real. Itās part of the luck and chaos and random chance. I canāt define it or describe it logically. I canāt give you stats or numbers or a ruler to measure it. I canāt tell you itās absolutely real, only that I believe in it, and that my life is becoming more enriched and vivid since admitting such things. And I donāt mean magic like a magician on a stage, or a disappearing act, or a witch over a cauldron even. I mean the spirals I keep seeing, the ones that Fibonacci kept seeing, too. I mean Hilma af Klint making the art she did before anyone else in her time. I mean the patterns. I mean the moments when you just know you made the right choice. I mean the people, the creatures, the beings. I mean that it is a rare thing to be alive, and yet planet Earth is crawling with it. Even as we kill off all that we can with our greed and our defiance of death and our need to fuck, conquer, kill - life is still sprawling and evolving.
There is magic in that life exists, and that I exist - that we exist.
I mean my whole life is a kind of cosmic magic (and chaos and order and luck and random chance). Perhaps itās all magic - maybe that is magic! For me, thereās been so much right time and right place. So much imperfect precision. For instance, how I moved to NYC because I made a wonderful friend once upon a time who would later invite me to join her in a city of bustling dreams and high hopes and struggle - and that this is where I would truly find myself - only, of course, after I stopped looking so hard for her (me). I mean that since I moved here I (mostly) gave up alcohol and (harmful) drugs, and stopped pretending my existence came from the bottom of the bottle Iād suck the last drop out of to find. I mean of course, that I found a job here who values and loves me, and that I trusted myself to leave the ones before it to unknowingly make my way to them. I mean that there are birds who return to my fire escape and wait for me to feed them, and I do feed them. And I watch them and I admire them and I laugh at them, and I fucking love them.
That is magic to me, and I mean that, yes, I am incalculably lucky to have been born in America where so many before me fought for my freedoms so that I could enjoy these things without too much effort once I decided to (I cannot say when or where or why exactly I did decide to - was it my own will or the will of the Universe? - and are they not the same?). And that I have the parents I do who love me the way they do. How they paid a lot of money for my rehab when I was young and terribly addicted to meth and any drug that took me out of my body and made it shrink like a raisin. That during my struggles even after rehab I was always held and loved and high functioning. I mean that, yes, I am very lucky. Luck is most certainly an ingredient that I did not bestow upon myself, that I am aware of.
And I mean that wether my life is predetermined or up to the random cosmic glory that is everything, there is an order beneath it. And when you tap into that place, that little connected to everything that ever was is or will be place, you find the magic and embody the magic. And the magic is love. A love of life, and living, and meeting, and existing, and becoming, and dying.
What I mean is, I donāt care if free will is perfectly free or that we have will that is never free, and that Iām being somewhat bounced around in a cosmic game I didnāt choose; or that the Universe is strumming me like a string on a guitar. Iām making sounds and waves but only because of it. In opening my mind to this - that I donāt fully know which or why- then I know no one else must either. Not really. And that weāre all kind of here by chance, and that some people have it far less good than me. And I canāt entirely blame them for all of their faults or be entirely prideful of all of my triumphs, either. It keeps me humble to know that I donāt know much, and that I forgive everyone -including myself - for this time weāre sharing.
Logically I could spend all day here wondering, contemplating, cursing, dissecting, and going back and forthing. But instead, Iād rather go feed the birds at my window, and let the breeze blow over my skin, whispering to me its secrets about space and time and how itās all an illusion. Thatās what Iād rather do, and I am lucky for that grace and that magic.
Have a most precious day - there wonāt ever be another one like it again!