Dare to Admit to Yourself What It Is You Really Want
:)
Apologies for the late newsletter. I’ve been unlocking the secrets of the Universe and sometimes I get distracted. But here we are on a Wednesday and perhaps this is the new newsletter day! (I still don’t know what I am doing, bear with me.)
An epiphany found me at work the other day when I was sharing with a client how, “I sometimes do stand up.” “Oh, wow! That’s amazing,” she said. “What makes you want to do that?” I chuckled to myself, “Well I don’t really want to do comedy is the thing, I don’t enjoy doing it as much as a comedian should - it makes me soooo anxious.” And then she looked me in the eyes, and with her kind, intrigued voice said, “But surely some part of you must want to do comedy.” The world crumbled. I could’ve dropped the blow dryer and run into the streets professing this newfound epiphany, but instead I just shook my head and blinked towards the void.
But there it was, the truth, so evident yet never before seen — there truly is some part of me that wants to do comedy or I wouldn’t have the desire in the first place. Why then do I say “I” don’t want to do it when there is clearly another part of me, I guess that isn’t referred to as “I” (but is still very much me), who does want to? It can be true that I both do and don’t want to do comedy. But what I really think is that I do want to do comedy so much that it’s actually painful for me to open that door to that space, and to fully step into that space, because it would beg of me to believe in myself and dissolve myself in ways I never have. This other “I”, perhaps my ego, would like me to stay safe and small and afraid — and now I’m aware of this and this gives me a new perspective aka power.
I’ve reached a tipping point, the longer I avoid comedy the more it pecks at my eyes and eats at my heart. The more energy I use to talk myself out of it rather than just channeling that energy to go to the fucking mics. And here’s the thing, nothing has to become of this desire. We put so much pressure on our desires that if we have them so deeply then that must mean we are destined some sort of fortune because of it. This is not always the case. Fame and fortune are never a guarantee, in fact, there are never any guarantees in life on Earth. But, you can take your desire and sit with it and hold it, instead of press it down or drink it away. You can come to it with curiosity and ask what it wants of you, and usually it will say: for you to believe in yourself enough to believe in me, and let’s find out.
Putting so much pressure to “become” ourselves actually stunts our growth. Comedy is a great deal less daunting when I just admitted I want to do it to do it, and will see what happens with it, instead of saying, oh wow since I want to do comedy that must mean I’m the next John Mulaney. Then I if I don’t become the next John Mulaney, I will say, “damn my desires they were wrong!” when really it was my expectations that had it all wrong. Kill your expectations and life truly opens up in new ways.
I am the first and only Samantha Morgan, and it is a delight. And that’s it — I don’t want to be anyone else, I want to be me being me, and it is an exploration until its end. This is the realization, too: I don’t have to be anyone else, I don’t have to be a great comedian, but I bet if I stop talking myself out of it and just start doing it, I will in fact get better. It’s like Picasso once said, “He who paints becomes a painter.” (Of that effect.)
What if our desires are gateways rather than destinations?
In my own experience, I of course am talking about desires that ask me to get up in front of strangers and speak my soul to them. Other people may have other desires that have much more macabre and destructive wants and asks of them. These desires also need to be met, held, and sat with. You know what I realize is, our subconscious is driving us like a sexy little race car. And if we do not awake from the passenger seat and check in with directions and where we are going and what in the fuck we are doing, we’ll be asleep in the passenger seat while it takes us through life on its own agenda. “It” is of course just another part of us. It isn’t not us. It is us, too. We are many us’s. And all we can do is integrate. Our only job in life is to integrate all of our “selves” so that we can consciously get from A (birth) to B (death) with some agency and grit. And there’s like love and art and creativity, too, but that’s another newsletter…
This week, I dare you to begin to integrate your selves. Ask yourself what you really want to do (not what your mom or society wants), and maybe try it. Invite your demons in for a drink instead of drinking them away, and I bet you… you’ll find the only monsters in your mind are the ones you created. There is less to fear than we think.
I have some good news, I am nearly finished with the second issue of my zine Life is For Choking On. It will be available in May (sometime) for purchase. You can check out my first one here: https://samanthamorganwords.bigcartel.com/ And please stay tuned for the next one, it’s juicy.