Another G Word (the big one) God đ
Or whatever you wish to call the mystery we exist within.
Greetings Mortals!
Welcome to your bi-weekly newsletter where I redefine the modern day existential crisis with a series of words, one newsletter at a time.
I missed last week, because, ya know, life.
But! I have some very big, awesome news. A piece of my writing I submitted (for the first time ever) was accepted and published online! The publication is called For Women Who Roar which, if you feel so inclined, you can read here. The piece is titled Is God a Bad Word? which inspired me to write this newsletter. Feel free to read that first for some context, but if not no biggie.
Letâs dive in.
Todayâs Words:
God
(in Christianity and other monotheistic religions) the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.
(in certain other religions) a superhuman being or spirit worshiped as having power over nature or human fortunes; a deity.
I wasnât raised a religious child. However, I do remember my introduction to religion which happened when I was (roughly) 7-8 years old. My parentâs said something to the effect of, âWeâre going to church, get in the car.â The sudden, out-of-nowhere church spring motivated me to cry the entire way from the backseat, as if my soul were to incinerate upon arriving. My parents were both raised religious, but as adults they never followed any particular ideology involving faith, other than, what I assume was, âMaybe we should try it now that we have a kid whoâs old enough to partake?â (Also, side note, we lived in Utah at the time, so there may or may not have been some outside pressure.) I donât recall the service, or if we even ever ended up inside the church. My parents may have submitted to my crying, accepted I was the spawn of Satan, and called it a day.
Some years later my mother found another church for us to try out. I was older and slightly more open to it, but I only have a few memories and none so gripping I felt inspired to pursue religion for myself. Fast forward a few more years and I didnât think about God at all. God was not a conversation; not at the dinner table, not with friends, nor at parties. As a teenage girl I was mostly consumed with having sex with Nicky Wawa, a fellow student four years my senior, and binge drinking any chance I could. I do remember a few early experiences with mushrooms, which I would now describe as God-like experiences, but I wouldnât dare sum it up as such at the time.
God crept out of all corners of my consciousness, until upon graduating and finding a new friend group, atheism and making fun of God were introduced to me. I enjoyed the nihilistic camaraderie, it finally felt like a kind of home â and hey, God was back in the picture in some sense. For many years I followed suit down the path of atheism and God hating, and blamed religion for many of the worldâs problems. I of course did this all while inhaling drugs and drinking myself into oblivion almost daily. But I wasnât to be blamed for any of the worldâs problems - NOT ME!
Years went on where drinking, drugging, and sleeping with less than suitable men was the forefront of my existence. Atheism became a truer belief of mine after reading books by Sam Harris and other neuroscientists claiming, ânot only is there no God, but thereâs no free will either.â What a doozy! I accepted through blank, heavy eyes that life was some grandiose, uncaring happening tossing me around from event to event, like a ball in a pin ball machine, that I, myself had 0 control over. It felt good to belong to an idea, even if the idea was dismal, however, looking back now I find it was more a way to be cool than as anything I actually, deeply resonated with. If I had dared to be honest with myself at the time, I wouldâve had to admit that deep down I felt scared. Deep down I felt empty, robbed of a space where a heart should belong. A nothing matters attitude prevailed, so I kept drinking and using, as one does, and kept denying God.
Flash forward to today, Iâm a mostly sober 30 something year old whoâs found herself on the other side of that dark spell â which I do not regret or remiss, but am grateful for and attribute as part of my wondrous evolution. Iâm lucky I found my way here, and I donât deny luck and circumstance allowed for this. Iâm also happy to announce Iâm not so mad at my parents anymore (perhaps there was some underlying traum with that first church visit they sprung on me Iâve managed to work through). And honestly, Iâm not really mad at anything anymore. I get that there is much I donât have control over and that we as humans have ended up the way we have because of our conditioning and our environments. I do agree that free will is not entirely true. And. Thatâs not where the story ends! We are also capable of making up and believing in all kinds of stories. Stories that bend and twist not only our fate, but the fate of reality. We are not just helpless little highly evolved mammals, we are also critical thinking Gods of change and power (which can be used in ways that are both positive and negative).
Awareness changes everything. Awareness gives us choice, even if we donât always make the best one.
Awareness allowed me some hefty introspection of simultaneously holding and unraveling: is God a bad word? I came to the conclusion, at least for now that, no. God is not a bad word, not for me. There is simply no more denying that quality to life that is both mysterious and luminous in its essence. Some say you donât need to call this God at all, and I donât disagree with that. I fully understand we as humans hijacked God (the word and the concept); we mistook the symbols for the reality, and done fucked up. (Whoever was supposed to add the preface âNot to be taken literally!â in the Bible mustâve missed the memo.)
God for me is not a man in the sky. There is no man, nor woman, in the sky! There is only me, and you, and everything else, too. And that is God. Everything. All that ever was, is, or will be. We are all little Godâs running around, perceiving and projecting to the best and worst of our abilities, and it all has its place. God is just a word really. The best we could do for simply, what we cannot fully know or explain. Like, how once lifeless matter evolved into the talking, thinking, feeling creatures we are today. How we managed in all of space and time to come into consciousness, to bear witness to the masterpiece that this is.
Iâve become comfortable using the word God, but it took some time, and I often juxtapose God with consciousness/being/reality. You can take words, any words, and turn them into something beautiful for yourself. They can be heavy or light, OR both light and heavy, like an anchored feather. Thatâs the thing about words and language, they are important, they are magic spells, and they are also merely symbols for what it is we are trying so hard to convey. Maybe there are no bad words, just interpretations that sit well with you or not. Youâre invited to redefine any and all as you wish, youâre God after all.
I am wishing all of you a fierce and friendly 2021! And remember, the years donât make us, we do. XO
If youâd like to purchase my zine (Life is For Choking On) which is where my piece âIs God a Bad Word?â was originally published, you can order it here.